´óѧӢÓï×÷ÎÄ6100×Ö£ºTrick or Treat

´óѧӢÓï×÷ÎÄ6100×Ö£ºTrick or Treat

i still live at home. i dont mind it, ecept for the dinner table. i said to my parents, ive been sitting in the same seat my whole life. let me sit at the head of the table. and my mom said, the tables round. theres no head of the table. i got mad, because dads seat is the head of the table, even if the tables round. but i didnt say a thing.

none of my friends go trick-or-treating anymore. they stopped going about fifteen years ago. i didnt. i said, do you still celebrate thanksgiving? christmas? birthdays? so, why not halloween? actually, i dont have many friends; i said this to them when i was growing up.

halloweens a big deal for me. around the first of the year, i start thinking about my costume. i write down ten or twenty ideas and then, over the summer, i narrow down the list. by september, ive got a pretty good notion of what im gonna wear. i do all this planning because when i was seven, i almost didnt have a costume. i couldnt think of what to wear, and all of sudden it was october 31st, and i didnt have a clue. my dad gave me some of his old clothes, and said, if anyone asks, tell them youre dressed as a parent. so i did. i went as a parent, and it sucked.

i dont have a job. when i was young, i killed my third grade teacher. i didnt mean it. i got in an argument and i hit her in the chest twice, and she went into shock and died. she had had a heart condition, which i didnt know about. they sent me to a different school, where you learn things a lot slower.

tonight, im dressed as dracula. i got the cape, the fangs, the white makeup, and the fake blood dripping down my mouth. i think i look pretty good. i guess its a little weird walking around the neighborhood. my parents ask me to stay home and help them hand out the candy, but i say no.

i leave right when it gets dark. my first stop is across the street.

hi, mrs. ryder, i say. trick or treat.

oh, hi, davey. david, i mean. she drops some milky ways into my pillow case.

hows johnny? i say.

oh, hes fine. married, still. he just…he just bought a house. shes turned sideways, sort of behind the door, like shes holding back a dog, but i dont think shes got a dog.

tell johnny i say hi, i say.

i sure will, she says.

do you like my costume? i say. i raise my arms, so the cape stretches out behind me. then i bare my fangs and hiss. she gets all scared and closes the door. its a real good costume.

i walk to a bunch of houses and then i get in my dads car and drive. ive been doing this the last few halloweens; i drive for an hour and stop in some random town and go trick-or-treating. i always wash the car on the morning before, because i like when its all clean and vacuumed inside. sometimes the car gets egged, and i get mad, but the kids run away too fast.

i picked a good neighborhood; every house has lights. i walk up to one and knock. a woman answers, and shes real small.

trick or treat, i say.

hello, she says. she looks behind me, at the car, and then she says, wheres your kid?

what kid, maam? i say. and i know shes gonna say something like, youre a little old to be trick-or-treating, arent you? so i just say, trick or treat, and i stretch out my cape and hiss.

she closes the door, and i figure its just a big misunderstanding, so i ring the bell, but nothing happens. no footsteps, nothing. so i ring it again, and then the outside lights go off, and im kind of angry because ive walked all the way up the driveway. i bang on the door. finally, a man answers. hes a few years older than me, but im bigger. hes got glasses, and i dont like him.

what the fuck do you want? he says, all angry.

trick or treat, i say.

get the fuck off my property, he says, pointing, and now im thinking about that teacher i hit. he shuts the door, and thats probably a good thing, because my fists are all clenched.

i used to go to a shrink. she said that whenever i get mad, i should stop for a second and say all the words that come from anger. she said this would temper my aggression. so i say them. range, rang, age, rag, nag, ran, earn, gear, near, ear, era, are, an. rage is in there, too, but she told me not say that one. lets take the rage out of anger, shed say.

i say the words real fast. i know them by heart, because this happens a lot. im still thinking about how id like to stick this guys head under a paper cutter, so i say them again. then i say, fuck you, you motherfucker, and i kick the pumpkin off the stoop. i get in the car and drive away.

i circle the block a few times. my shrink tells me to avoid violence. she also tells me not to run away from my problems. this confuses me, because most of my problems deal with violence. i figure shes giving me a riddle, but i cant figure it out.

i park a few houses away. i want to talk to the guy. but when he opens the door, i just get angry and punch him right in the face. he stumbles back and i hit him again, and he falls on the floor. his lip is split, and hes got blood running down his mouth, just like me. i see the snickers on the counter and i throw a few into my pillow case. the woman starts screaming. my hand hurts. i tell her if she calls the cops, ill kill her. then i run to the car and drive fast. the streets near the highway, so im okay.

when i get home, i count up my candy. its the worst halloween ive ever had, worse than when i was seven. my mom comes in and looks at me, and i can see that shes upset about the candy on the floor, so i tell her that ill pick it up. where did you go? she says, and i say i went west a bit. she says, dont forget to change out of your costume, and i tell her i wont. you shouldnt wear that stuff to bed, she says, and i say, i know.

she leaves, and i walk into the bathroom and wash my face. i curl the cape around me. net year, i think ill be a ghost